Don’t Say “Maybe!”

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It’s Saturday when your kid pipes up from the back seat, asking for a play date later, a trip for ice cream or In and Out Burger; you’re thinking ‘who knows! We have a relatively open docket, anything’s possible!’ And so you respond with a hopeful, ‘maybe!’

Do you know what they hear? Not only did they hear that as a, ‘yes’ it’s now a bona fide guarantee, it’s a deep fried Oreo ‘yes’ and it’s even been boiled in beef tallow! Because now maybe it will be a surprise, something they’ve never heard of before!

Perhaps you have a kid who doesn’t like to hear “no.” Yeah, we all do!

Our 2-year old Tennyson is a prime case; the levels of offense at hearing the word “no,” to her, are astronomical. The other day she yelled back at mom, “don’t say ‘no’ to me, I’m a child of God!” We really never thought that someone could take their identity in Christ too far, turns out we were wrong. (We use the title/phrase ‘child of God,’ by the way, as a replacement whenever we hear name-calling flying around. You can see from the story, language really matters… even for a 2-year old!)

Before we get to the punchline-and the psychological data-on the word, ‘maybe’ let’s address the elephant in the room when it comes to the seemingly endless debate between falling into all “yes” parents or all “no” parents.

We love what Tim Keller says:

This is one of the best explanations for why ‘Grit & Grace” exists as a movement of parents trying to strike the balance, but it’s also a great caution to our equal, opposite extremes in parenting.

As parents we must be careful about slipping into licentiousness with our kids, permitting anything and everything because we fear their wrath. Remember as adults we must try our best to be the pillars of emotional security in the room. Being the emotional rocks for them doesn’t just mean we refuse to “lose it;” it also means we refuse to be bullied.

As parents, we must be careful about slipping into the “Gestapo” approach on the other hand. Although, by todays standards, I think it’s the lesser concern, the militantly restricted family must still be cautioned against as it risks producing the opposite affect for kids (who eventually will leave our homes and be responsible for making their own bounded decisions.)

So let’s get to ‘maybe.’

One author says that using the word ‘maybe’ multiplies disappointments. Ironic isn’t it, because that was the thing we were trying to avoid in the first place!

Here’s what happens in the child’s psychology…

This was proved by a 2019 Tufts University study that suggested people, young and old, are prone to swelling mental expectation when faced with this vacuum of future possibilities.

Makes sense right? Kids are super imaginative, so they use that imagination to create possibilities and expectations. The key thing is “according to their disposition” so while we have some pretty sanguine kids in our home who will envision positive outcomes and be extremely let down, your child might be more prone to the pessimistic and you can imagine what their ‘let down’ looks like…

The new year affords so much opportunity for looking at the myriad relevant themes from this specific article, themes around: boundaries, emotional security, and even cultural values-specifically related to language.

That’s where we’d encourage you to land: consider the language used in the home and the potential formative impact it’s having on your young children.

*Try these instead:
“Yes, we can do that provided that…”
”No, not today, because…”
or even simply this would be better:
”I can’t answer that at this time!”

As always thanks for journeying with us on this crazy road of parenting. As promised our Grit & Grade podcast will be dropping by the end of the month and season 1 is gonna RIP! We’ve already recorded episodes on conflict and communication as well as life-giving routines and rhythms. So get ready and tune in!

-Ben & Rylee, Grit and Grace

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