HOW TO FIX THE
“CHRISTMAS KRANKS”

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I love Christmastime, I love the lights, the shopping, the cooking, the weather!

I love just staring at the Christmas tree in our study while I work early in the morning.

I love staring at the lights and the lopsided ornament array (when you have small children who are prone to constantly ripping them down, their haphazard pattern begins midway and travels up from there).

Yes I truly love all that warm and fuzzy stuff…

But this morning, staring at that tree, all I can think about is the side-yard just outside the window where our trash cans are kept.

You see this space has quickly become the devious trial grounds for our sneaky, stealing 4 year-old.

Yesterday I came home to my wife’s latest chagrin. What had raised her ire this time??? A full tub of organic greek yogurt… that had been dragged out… to the side-yard killing grounds.

Yogurt everywhere.
Not one neat puddle. But caked here and there, 3 large rocks stamped on top like cruel toppings in one large pile of yogurt. I had to fetch some cardboard and use them as spackling knives to gingerly scrape up as much as possible.

What else was reported early that day?
Yes that same day, it was that same child who had somehow cut off the amazon package at the pass, snatched up mom’s special ginger chews and stealthily tucked them under his pillow.
How long between the stashing and the discovery you may ask? We’d say about half a dozen’s worth of ginger chews-assuming that’s the measurement of time we’re using…

So what do you do when your toddlers make you wanna pull your hair out?! (And not just at Christmas but all year long?)

3 things:

We once took a neuroscience & faith class where the instructor said that, “the difference between action and reaction is the space between stimulus and response.”

What’s that even mean? It means that when you see something that makes you wanna explode, the difference between parents-as gritty and grace-filled VS parents- as psycho/crazy lies between slowing down long enough to respond appropriately.

But the key is undoubtedly and unmistakably in the slowing down.

See thats my (Ben’s) issue. I’m the one more prone to emotional outburst, but I’ve found much success in all the following tried and true short-circuits…

Taking even one, I really mean that, ONE big, deep breath, for me, is the difference between explosion and self-control.

Going for a walk… preferably outside-again for even 30 seconds-has helped me, tremendously, in snapping out of the fog of overreaction.

For me the triggers (and they are many) are always around bedtime.
“They hit me.. they wont share… they’re in my bed… they stole my thing…”

I have found much higher rates of success at bedtime when I go in with a mindset that this shift is my ‘big finale’ rather than this shift is my ‘cheap leftovers’ (John 2).

Before you have your first kid, the oft-cited phrase applies: “expect the unexpected!”

After having kids-especially your first couple-that phrase no longer applies…

Allow me to illustrate. The other day my (Ben’s) dad was over and he was asking about the latest bump or bruise on our 2-year old girl, Tennyson. And while explaining her latest trip and fall I kinda of unconsciously responded, ‘yeah it‘s almost like its a 2 year-old’s job to fall down, that’s what makes a 2-year old, a 2 year old…’

Both of us kind of paused and, at the same time, realized the profound nature of that summary statement.

Can you guess what 4 year-olds are on about? GETTING INTO STUFF! Willfully disobeying! Lying! Cheating! Stealing! Then wining about it all!
But that’s their phase, that’s their developmental process-and you’re gonna have a lot harder time trying to fix/change them, than if you’d only fix/change your attitude/expectations!

Mindset matters. It’s everything. What you believe always impacts what you do. And what we do comprises the bulk of our legacies.

Like we talked back on our “taking pains” newsletter these nearly constant behavioral issues for our toddlers are not the exception, they are the rule. So how do we deal with it must be informed by a mindset.

Its not like this is one of those “expect the unexpected” moments anymore; we must expect them to be just who they are and right on time too!

There is no way around this point. There is no dressing it up and no avoiding it. The Bible is so clear about an undisciplined child.

While there are lots of good verses to inform your mindset and your grit/grace on this subject (Proverbs 22:6; 23:13 Ephesians 6:1-4; Romans 13-respect for healthy authority/government), the one that has spoken to us the most is:

The first part is actually a quotation from Proverbs 3. No surprise there it’s wisdom literature after all. Do you want your kids to grow up in wisdom, foolishness or scoffing (the 3 general types of human beings that Proverbs presents to us)???

But its the last line that really gets us. The author of Hebrews suggests that an undisciplined child is an illegitimate child.

What a horror. Have you ever thought about making your child an orphan? The county text book on how orphans are qualified is by 1 of 2 conditions, either abuse or neglect.

Now think on that: Biblical wisdom puts a lack of discipline on the same level as child abandonment or neglect.

Now we’re not trying to scare you with this biblical truth, but rather inspire you to the mindset required to affect your son or daughters heart.

And remember that, as parents, we are not in the business of behavior modification. Children are not dogs, they are a generational heritage from the Lord. We are in the business of affecting the heart, the mindset, the motivation of our children, and the prayer is that the behavior will follow.

And we have found, now having graduated 7 children from toddlerdome, that an effective discipline strategy does create results.

For practical ideas on this we would encourage you to get the book from the comers; their section on discipline includes several “tiers” of potential response:

-encourage/exhort/warn

-rebuke/correct

-teach/train

-offer a consequence

I get the feeling (probably because I’ve felt it myself many times) that most parents actually hate disciplining their young children. And that’s because it’s hard! No parent enjoys enforcing a boundary or a consequence for their child; most parents don’t even prefer to say, ‘no’ to their child.

But within theses tiers of discipline, we think you will find a totally appropriate, loving and effective option for every occasion.

We must, together, discover the right balance of grit and grace when it comes to disciplining the next generation and the answer to that balance lies within that passage above (Hebrews 12:5). We encourage you to meditate on it, pray about it and God will reveal his heart for your child.

Thanks as always for following along; we humbly ask if you’ve found this encouraging or insightful please feel free to share with others!

-Rylee & Ben, Grit & Grace