A Rule of Life

New Year’s resolutions, SMART goals, systems, and “bingo cards”…

We’ve heard of them all at the end of the year and no matter what you call them, we want to argue that there most definitely is a place for habit-forming new beginnings in the New Year.

Before we get into our version of New Year’s resolutions, it feels like it’s something we have to convince you of, well maybe some of you…

Ask an audience of 100 people if they do resolutions and what do you think you find? Maybe half? 30%? That sounds right doesn’t it? It sounds right because it feels right, for you!

Bottom line: most people aren’t in to resolutions for this #1 reason: facing discouragement at your setbacks or being disappointed at the lack of long term change.

Life is disappointing enough right? Why set myself up for failure or another unmet expectation?!

Boy I can’t tell you how sad that mindset sounds. Well what’s the alternative? I’ll tell you what… insanity.

Well isn’t it?! We do the same things every year expecting difference results, wishing at change, growth, maturity as if its some fleeting thing we may not even believe in.

And we never sit down, pray, become silent long enough to collect our thoughts and our feedback from the previous year about the person we are and the person we could become and consider doing something differently about it?!

Well that’s the definition of insanity. See because when you do the same thing expecting different results the key word is expecting.

See the connection? Most people don’t set goals or resolutions because they fear failure or unmet expectation. Well funny isn’t it that in the definition of insanity the heart has a funny way of creating expectation, regardless???

Alright so here’s the deal…

I’ve tried 75 Hard (which is an explosion of effort and intention, but an effective “reset” even when you do fall off after 75 days… or even 25 😆).

I’ve tried James’s clear’s systems approach (which is one of the best out there).

And I’ve tried simply picking 1 thing I’m gonna add or subtract (which has its own incredible genius-in the limitation of ONE thing)

But there’s something I’ve talked about for years, studied, even taught, but never fully put in to practice and that is something the religious orders of old call, A RULE OF LIFE…
What the heck is that you may ask…
We know it already sounds bad, because it has the word “rule” in it, but just bare with us!

I think Pete Scazzero does it best and describes it most simply when he likens the Rule of Life to a trellis, i.e. the wooden support structure for plant life.

The rule of life is a categorical way to support your most vital structures that constitute your whole life.

And while there are many varieties of these categories-and again feel free to focus on JUST ONE, in this new year our family-and yes our entire family, kids included-will focus on these 4:

So first: the motivation…

In keeping with the monks, we will use the same motivation they did which centered on the great command (to love God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind and to love your neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22; Mark 12: et al).

And this is important. Tether your goals or resolutions to some selfish ambition or vain conceit and you will experience the consequences… perhaps some short-term and shallow fruit. Tether your goals and ambitions around the heart of God-his perfectly designed order for what it means to be a human being, and you are guaranteed to experience deeper and more lasting fruit.

Second: the inventory…

In keeping with the tradition of the 12 steps, we will consider taking a “fearless moral inventory” of our lives-as we find them, today.

This is the vital looking back on the previous year(s) and just collecting the little notices of yourself and others about those things that may require some growing up!

This is the step that takes time, pause, quiet.
With young kids in the home and/or the demands placed on your life right now, you may not be able to take a whole day, let alone an entire weekend retreat to pray about all this, but we have found incredible results from simply taking 1 afternoon when the little ones are napping (or in their quiet time).

Third: the categories…

In keeping with the monastic order, we will consider our major categories of life. So for us, that will be prayer; work; rest; relationships.

Prayer: we have always struggled to pray together as a couple. So we will set our intention on first thing in the morning, while still in bed, grabbing a devotional, doing a quick reading and doing some listening prayer. We will also include the kids in this on our sabbath day, together.

Work: for rylee this will be one homeschool goal. For Ben this will be one goal related to pastoral ministry. We will also encourage each child to come up with their own aim regarding their daily jobs/chores around the house.

Rest: for years we have either taken Friday or Saturday as our all family sabbath day, but we have struggled to keep it consistent. We have a little wooden box, with a two sided slide on top-one side says work, the other rest; we put our phones into the box on sabbath day. We do this is a brief but ceremonial fashion where everybody gathers around the fire place and we dedicate the day to the Lord.

Relationships: we already know from some pain and struggle here at the end of the year that what our hearts long for, as a couple, are more deep, abiding friendships in the New Year. So we will set an intention to develop those, to seek those out in a more concerted way. And again we will encourage the kids to each pray and ask Jesus what he wants for them in their relationships with their immediate family, extended family and/or friends.

Here are some final, miscellaneous tips:

1, again we recommend keeping your list to 1 per category
2, pray and include Jesus in the process
3, make it fun, make it specific, make it realistic
4, leave room for re-negotiation and;
5, remember the motivation is to better love God, others, self

If you’re socially inclined we would love to connect over instagram and hear the categories and activities that Jesus is putting on your hearts for your family…

For now, Godspeed and Happy New Year!

Ben & Rylee,

Grace & Grit

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