I have so many drafts ready to push out right now, part 1s, 2s and 3s from previous topics; even a “last year of my 30’s, a decade of takeaways” - all on standby because of what’s been going on in our home the past 3 months… and honestly, we love you guys so we want to share our learnings, failings and breakthroughs in real time.

Some who know us well might guess it’s the latest addition to our family-baby #12 Benny Mae-as amazing and transformative as that is and she is, that’s not it!

We are definitely all adjusting to life with a newborn-all the messiness and humility and starting over again, as well as all the joys and tremendous answers to prayer and perhaps that’s a good segue, because we all really are adjusting…

Those who have other kids-in addition to their newborn-can relate to this, but it’s a big emotional adjustment for big brothers and sisters when they are no longer “one and only,” when they’re not the “baby” anymore… and perhaps that’s a part of what set our 8-year old son off into a new level of disorder and chaos than we had ever experienced before…

And I wanna honor my son, Crusade, even as I write this… he’s painfully shy and prone to embarrassment whenever we talk about him-good or bad- to other people, but to sum it up, briefly: 3 months ago his emotional outbursts reached a level where he needed to be physically restrained and Rylee and I had a real fear of danger to himself and others.

This was the second and final week of my paternity leave and while I was very thankful to be there for every hour as this unfolded over several days, it left me with a real fear of going back to work; a real helplessness-unprecedented in our 14 years of parenting.

And I think that leads me to our first impartation: I now believe, speaking for myself as dad, it took this level of extreme emotional imbalance, this level of pain and helplessness, this level of utter dependency to radically change my entire orientation as a father.

From my posture to my responses to the level of nurture I’m now willing to offer, well, any child, but for starters 8-year old boys-everything has changed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a jerk and a Neanderthal (sometimes), but I’m actually finally getting what I prayed for…

Perhaps this too is relatable, do you ever find yourself praying for patience… for joy… peace… really any of the 9 fruits of the spirit in your parenting? (Galatians 5:22)

That’s most definitely been me over the years when it comes to this particular child. I’ve prayed for patience a thousand times, I’ve prayed for self-control endlessly. I’ve prayed for God to deliver me from anger and my own emotional disregulation.

I’ll be really frank with you: I have no idea of how to help you manufacture this level of urgency. Frankly, I don’t know if you can just “pretend” or “imagine” that the stakes are this extreme-so that you might adjust your parenting approach-radically. I only know it’s the particular “severe mercy” the Lord has for us right now. (Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken)

Here’s what I do know: at the moment where all my styles, approaches and ploys failed so abysmally -then and only then-did I become willing and able to try something entirely different. (And perhaps that’s a useful universal principle…)

So what was that thing that I tried that was entirely different? (And the actual thrust of this week‘s newsletter)

So this is the drumroll, this was the profound epiphany: when your kid is emotionally unregulated, when he or she is becoming unhinged, close the distance and hold your child in your lap…

It’s at this point some of you are probably like “really? We already do that!” Some of you are like, “Ben/Rylee, haven’t we read your own words on the importance of ‘connect and redirect’?!” Some of you have already read the book on rupture and repair. To you all I say, congratulations, you’ve found ONE of the secrets to life (parenting)!

Some of the rest of us are slower on the uptake, especially some of us dads in the room who are not naturally prone to nurture.

But I’m hear to beat the drum and sound the alarm: dad’s… I have never seen such a radical transformation in a child as when I stopped everything and just held him in my lap.

And let me qualify something that’s important from the context: we’re not talking about scraped knees or lost party favors-everyone gets how consolation works in those scenarios. We’re also not talking necessarily about toddlers… everyone expects “terrible two’s” and “threenagers” and even a couple “psycho six-year olds.”

This is an older boy getting very triggered, very fast over very small things-every day, and more like every hour.

And again perhaps the implication is obvious to you all, but what we are learning is that a child may never grow out of needing to be scooped up and held in their parent’s arms.

The last thing I’ll add is the apparent fruit of this transformation in our home-from the mouth of the “babes” themselves…

The other day Selah said something to the affect, ‘what happened to dad? He seems calmer…” Rylee commented when I was reacting to a toddler tantrum from another child, ‘you’ve become slower…’ Crusade said, when I came in the room to confront his misbehavior, ‘aren’t you going to be angry with me?’ And you could just see the look in his eye, his brain was working real fast, ‘oh this is something entirely different now…’

And I THANK GOD for this fruit. We THANK GOD that he, in his sovereign mercy, has chosen us to become more merciful. We THANK GOD that this was his ‘special grace’ for us as parents and church ministry leaders. We THANK GOD that his faithful love endures forever and ever…

Amen?

Amen.

-Benjamin & Rylee

P.s. if this has been helpful or encouraging to you please feel free to share.​